Friday, 28 February 2014

Autoimmunity part 6 - emptiness and gratitude

Ai miei lettori italiani... Scusatemi che non c'è traduzione di questo post. Lo sto scrivendo a volo... Traduco lunedì quando torno al PC. Un bacio!

I have a tickling empty feeling in my chest on the days that I visit my immunologist. It's a sadness and loneliness which I'm not sure what to do with. I'm sure it's always there at some levels, but seeing the doc always brings it to the surface and then I find myself in a coffee shop staring at a grey sky while consuming gluten (in the form of delicious butter cookies) for the first time in 6 months... As if gluten will make the feeling go away.

Dot jump to conclusions, the visit went well.... Although I was surprised to find a different doctor than my usual, he did come in halfway and I got to have two specialists' attention for 15 minutes... Most of which they spent arguing as to whether my disease is more in differential connectivity or lupus. They agreed to disagree when I asked if the treatment would be different in either case. No. It wouldn't.

And I'm doing well! The plaquenil and aspirin have prevented me from feeling too sick for some months now (or is that the yoga or the diet or the meditation?)

So what's with this feeling? What's this hole that opens up in me when I stumble back into the city after having good news (or no new news as the case may be)? Why is it that even after 14 years of doctors appointments, blood tests a go-go, invasive exams and doom and gloom on the internet I still feel a sense of loss every time I see the doc? Am I thinking one day I'll go in for a checkup and they'll tell me I'm not sick anymore? Am I holding onto an unrealistic dream or am I still mourning having lost good health?

Most days I get out of this funk with gratitude. Another six months have passed without my organs being involved in this immune system can-can and I'm feeling better and functioning better than I was a while back. I focus on gratitude and not being in a worse position. I focus and focus and eventually a smile returns to my face.

But I'm allowed to wallow for and hour or so right? Haven't I earnt that? Can't I just feel a little sorry for myself for a bit over a coffee in this lovely historic bar in the center of Milan for a teeny tiny moment?

Ok times up Jess... Off you go! Back to playing the cards you're dealt in the most fantastic and wonderful ways you can. Back to enjoying every moment. Back to being busy living. Times up!

Oh, and no more butter cookies! Even if they did just magically appear on the table. This isn't Alice in wonderland!


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